


Every flower must grow through dirt

by Rotblume



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Demiromantic character(s), Developing Relationship, Fictional Disease, Fluff, Gen, Grayromantic Character(s), Greyromantic Character(s), Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pre-Slash, Todd the Wraith (Stargate) Whump, brief mention of eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26944684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rotblume/pseuds/Rotblume
Summary: The one where Todd is in love and it's killing him, literally.
Relationships: John Sheppard & Todd the Wraith, John Sheppard/Todd the Wraith, Todd the Wraith & Kenny | Bonewhite
Comments: 9
Kudos: 101





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> There will be approximately 7 chapters excluding the prologue and a potential epilogue. I am going to start with updating once a month, so that I will have more than enough time to finish writing the last chapter(s) and reread everything, but should I not need as much time despite all I have going on in my life, I might change that to every (two) week(s).

It is said that there once lived a special Wraith Queen among the stars, back in a time when the Wraith were very young. She was the first and most powerful of them all, the one leading them on the path to the skies and beyond.

But as beloved by her Hive as she was, she nevertheless failed to win the affections of the Commander in her court she held most dear. His heart already belonged to another while hers was slowly consumed with envy over the time they spent apart for exactly this reason.

And so the Queen ordered him to be brought before her and killed, for no one should hold his attentions when she wasn’t capable of doing the same. Though mad with rage, she was also still too fond of him, however, and in the end could not bear the thought of losing him completely, at least not yet.

Instead of going through with her plan immediately and ripping out his heart, she merely cut his chest wide open and placed a flower there, one of the many he had selected for wooing his love. Instead of taking the Commander’s life for his betrayal as she had intended, she gifted him with a part of her own to heal the wound inflicted upon him, so they would have some more time before his death.

And gradually the flower in his body grew due to the water in his blood and the air of every breath he took. It thrived and prospered and in the meantime destroyed the being that was the reason for its existence.

But just like the flower, flourishing as a consequence of his continued survival, finally led to his demise, the Commander, only alive because of the Queen’s love, eventually brought about her ruin, since even the blood-stained reddish-black flower he revealed with his last breath he gifted not to her but to his heart. So it is said that there once lived a particular Wraith Queen, one that forbade the Wraith their emotions.


	2. And the day came when the risk to remain in a tight bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prologue has been really short and I didn't wanna wait a full month before posting the first real chapter, so here you go, people.
> 
> Have some Todd falling in love, the background for his and Sheppard's relationship and why I believe they mellowed out over time.

Would he bother to look back on that mess, he supposes that the sore throat had been the first sign that something was wrong. However, at the time he didn’t take it too seriously and he doesn’t think that anyone could blame him for that with everything he had had on his mind at the time. After all, he had just undergone the gene therapy reactivating his digestive system and thus eliminating the need to feed on humans while enabling him to survive on ’normal’ food once more.

It had taken them more than a year of research and repeated tests after the Lantean City had returned to the Pegasus Galaxy, but they had finally found a solution. Two teams, each one consisting of both the best human doctors and Wraith scientists, had spent almost all of their time together on the problem, one group operating on the basis of the earlier failed attempts of the gene therapy as well as, much to his chagrin, the Human-Wraith-Hybrid experiments of the one called Michael, the other starting from scratch.

Of course, several insults and threats had been spoken, the one or other near death experience had been suffered, but through some deliberate re-arrangements from himself and the human leadership they managed to ensure that the parties were able to work sufficiently together. In the end, all that mattered was that both teams had been successful, the first finally perfecting the gene therapy to achieve the desired results without any undesirable side effects, the second creating a potent artificial sustenance to accelerate their natural and continually existing advanced healing abilities, given that with the improved gene therapy they were still capable of feeding, not that they would risk it on humans with the Hoffan drug still around.

It had certainly helped that, after some arduous negotiations with Sheppard and Woolsey, he and his people were relatively free to roam the city, with only sensors following their movement through individualized tracking chips when on Atlantis and not a in-your-face mass of soldiers, in return for his help with the reduction of the ZPMs’ energy consumption. He worked on a seperate computer isolated from important networks and data and McKay always rechecked everything and ran additional simulations, but that was nothing he couldn’t deal with. The humans also assented to their return to the Hive to rest and feed, one of his main conditions, their coming and going whenever convenient soon enough turning into just another ordinary part of the hustle and bustle of the city since the Earthlings seemed to finally understand and accept that his people would never feed within those walls, for it would hardly go unnoticed or, and this was even more unlikely, unpunished.

To his utmost astonishment, with everything that had happened, the long cooperation had slowly yet steadily lead to their relationship, originating out of nothing but necessity with both sides focused only on their own profit, developing into a mutually beneficial bond where it became ingrained in him to always consider what impact any of his actions had on the Lantean expedition and to automatically choose a course that was equally advantageous to all of them. He would have been worried had he not noticed what his people gained from it, small task forces of Wraith and humans collaborating on projects such as improving the hyperdrive or integrating shields on his Hives. He hadn’t believed the Colonel’s flimsy excuse about needing their support for their own advantage when confronted by not so friendly ships for a second, recognizing it for the favor it was to protect what was his.

There had even been a treaty, which he only later learned had been the man’s idea as well when he had been avoiding eye contact for a few days after the conclusion of the negotiations, with three societies allied to Atlantis which had retained the death penalty for serious offences. The condemned prisoners were being extradited to his Hive instead of executed, while his Hives lay claim to the the territories the planets were positioned in without culling there, Atlantis acknowledging their need to feed for what it was and assisting them with the defense against hostile Hives for both their and the humans’ benefit.

Such battles took place more and more often, the longer the civil war between the Wraith factions went on, but it also allowed them to capture drones for trial runs of the gene therapy. That time, he was far more careful, not keen on repeating the earlier disaster, and insisted on some time to pass before he drew any conclusions, monitoring 15 Wraith warriors for about three months, until he was satisfied with the surveillance and allowed himself and a handful volunteering lieutenants to be subjected to the gene therapy. 

For once, everything went exactly as it should and despite his best efforts, the peace lulled him into a false sense of security after everything they had gone through. It was only to be expected that something had to go seriously wrong after all of their accomplishments, he just hadn’t anticipated that he himself was going to be the cause of the misery he found himself in for the following weeks.

Either way, as he had already mentioned, in hindsight the first sign of the debacle to come was presumably the sore throat. He had written it off as a harmless nuisance accompanying his getting used to normal food again, though he did tell Dr. Keller who too believed it would pass quickly.

Now, if he was entirely honest with himself, however, he would have to admit that he had actually no idea when exactly the whole fiasco had begun. All he knew was that by the time he had become aware of his growing problem, it was too late to do anything about it, much too late than to even attempt to reign his feelings in. He knew that it must have happened before the first symptoms, but that didn’t make it any easier to pinpoint any one occurrence in time.

It might have been one of the many times Sheppard got him to try out some new food on his mission to introduce him to all kinds of different drinks, meals and little snacks, always remembering what he liked or disliked and basing his next choices on it. The man had justified it by him sooner rather than later needing to know what he liked before receiving the gene therapy and then more or less depending on the food so that he wouldn’t starve while he figured out what he enjoyed and what he couldn’t stand. Considering the newly synthesized nourishment for emergencies, it was a flawed rationalization effort, but he didn’t inform the human of that and he certainly didn’t complain.

Anyway, because he and McKay oftentimes shared their workspace for the practicability of it, when visiting him, the Colonel also used the opportunity to ensure his team member was taken care of. He brought food and coffee for the two of them or if he had the time, stayed and ate with them while being updated on what they were up to, temporarily acting as a buffer for their personalities with an energy that nowadays instantly managed to calm him.

It was enlightening and delighting both to watch the interactions between the two humans in such instances, Sheppard humming along and nodding at all the appropriate times, throwing new suggestions in when asked for his perspective and sometimes providing just the perfect impulse to get them on the right track. One time, he had been caught staring by the man, but he had just rolled his eyes at McKay’s tirade and winked, before secretly tiptoeing away. His friend wouldn’t even have noticed his disappearance had Sheppard stomped away so he just kept his amusement to himself and forced himself to concentrate back on what he had been doing earlier, blocking out the doctor’s voice.

It might have just as well been that one time he had spent with Sheppard in the cafeteria, enjoying a light breakfast in peaceful silence. He had just finished his sandwich as the man suddenly and without any warning reached across the table, catching his chin in his hand, before wiping his thumb across the corner of his mouth and then licking what had looked like a small drop of jelly from his finger. He had sent him a dazzling smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling ever so slightly as he had chuckled softly. He wasn’t sure how he had survived that day, because it had taken him an embarrassingly long 5 minutes to be able to breathe again normally and not sit there frozen to the seat, eyes as wide as those of a child witnessing a wonder. As far as he was concerned, it just might have been a miracle since Sheppard rarely if ever actually initiated any physical contact and never in such an intimate manner, insistent on the concept of personal space.

Or it might have been that one time after a joined off-planet mission, resulting in an incident ending with more scratches and bruises than any of them could count but luckily without any serious injuries. That didn’t mean they weren’t aching all over, it didn’t mean he felt comfortable in his own skin with him having been the trigger for their assailants anger and it sure as all the stars didn’t mean he didn’t notice the way the Colonel had slunk away once they had been back in Atlantis with a limp and one shoulder slightly raised.

None of the team had escaped the beatings, but the man had taken the brunt of it because he hadn’t backed down, had defended his presence there. Once he had escaped his restraint, shortly before the Satedan warrior and the Athosain queen had managed to do the same, the leader of the group that had gotten the better of them had been his first victim. He had snapped his neck, the sound eerily similar to what he was sure he had heard as the human had twisted Sheppard’s arm behind his back.

He exchanged a glance with Teyla when he realized she had made the same observation as him and inclined his head at her encouraging nod. He followed the man silently, reaching the doors to his quarters just as they closed, before hesitating. But this had been his fault and he needed to make sure that the man was okay, had to know he would be fine.

When he entered, the human sat on the bed, his back towards him while fighting with getting his shirt over his head without jostling his arm. He quickly crossed the room to stand behind him and help him out of the tangled fabric, all the while steadfastly ignoring the raised eyebrow directed at him as Sheppard threw a careful glance over his shoulder. It was a split-second decision to sink down next him then and gently rub his hand along the man’s tense muscles, thumb drawing circles on his neck just below the pulse point, the fingers of his other hand tickling down his ribs and up his spine of their own volition, but it had apparently been the right one if his low sigh was anything to go by or the way he instantly relaxed into the touch, leaning back against him, welcoming his touch.

It also might have been the night he suffered from the gene therapy, the changes in his body far less painful than he had feared yet enough to have the threat of being tied down for his own safety and that of everyone else looming over his head. Sheppard had insisted that such measures weren’t required, had offered to stay by his side in a sealed off room. 

He must have passed out at some time, but when he came around again the next day late in the afternoon, the human was still there, resting on the edge of the bed he was lying on, head on his crossed arms, face almost buried in the sheets, only that untameable hair of his visible, sticking up in all directions. He had been tempted to reach out and smooth it down, but he had resisted the urge, waiting patiently until the man woke up not much later, blinking up at him with a tired smile before he yawned and excused himself just to return with lunch for the two of them. The thought struck him then that it might be giving him some sort of satisfaction, a weird sense of accomplishment to be able to provide for him as he did for everyone else around him, but he kept that theory to himself, simply appreciating the time and effort, the care it showed.


	3. Wallflower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, people, I just wrote the last couple words of the epilogue. That means, apart from some fine-tuning, this fic should be finished. Please note that right now it's 4.45 in the morning where I am, so there'll actually be lots of fine-tuning.
> 
> Anyway, have a short chapter with some real Hanahaki and Todd going out of his way to avoid Sheppard. Avoidance and these two seem to be a recurring theme in my fics, but at times I'm also a big fan of ignoring a problem until eventually it goes away on it's own, so there's that.

Only a few days after his throat had started hurting, a cough joined in, the second sign that something was wrong with him. But even for that he had had a logical explanation, because despite all the improvements of the gene therapy, it still did imply a temporarily weakened immune system and thus a susceptibility for illness. He had blinded himself to the symptom it had been and closed his mind to what it ultimately meant for as long as he had been able to. It had been about two weeks before he held the undeniable proof of the gravity of the situation in his hand.

He always seemed to end up working close to McKay now, due to his minions’ dislike for and fear of the man’s temper and his own immunity to that, as well as the fact that he was one of only few the human interrupted his own ramblings for and actually listened to, sometimes only helped by a low growl that he unfortunately appeared more and more insulted by, but less and less afraid of. Admittedly, it was interesting and entertaining as much as it was exhausting and annoying to work with him.

The scientist was good at what he did and since they could actually keep up with one another, apparently a rare case for the man, though at least explaining his arrogance, they ever so often tended to bounce ideas off each other, various envisioned scenarios and not quite planned out concepts. He would deny getting the one or other inspiration through the babble he constantly had to endure, but occasionally it was also rather refreshing to work with this human, who was willing to stand up to him if he was of another opinion. And if he managed to avert the one or other crisis like the destruction of a solar system or a repeat of what had happened with the Attero device because he was able to influence the scientist’s rash decision making, even better.

That day, he was seated at his workstation in the now officially with McKay shared lab, listening to his soft murmuring as the man scribbled on some new schematics his minions had passed on. Up to that point, he had been quite successful with keeping the dry cough in that had been plaguing him in on and off for the last days, but then Sheppard scurried in with a steaming cup of what smelled like herbal tea, placed it on his table and clapped him on the back with a low “Sorry, I’m on the run”, before flitting away again, leaving him to stand there gazing after him. He was shocked out of his stupor by a coughing fit almost forcing him to his knees.

With his eyes closed and his forehead pressed against the cold metal table in front of him, he waited for the sudden dizziness to pass and the cough to stop. He truly began to wonder how those vulnerable, all too mortal humans survived sickness after sickness. When McKay warily asked him whether he was alright a tense moment later, he was prepared to answer, but instead he found himself staring on the ground or to be exact at a single white petal lying there innocently which he knew had not been there before.

He grabbed and raised it up with trembling fingers, examining it for a second while several alarms went off in his head at once. Huffing, he crumpled the offending object in his fist as he stormed out of the lab and to his own quarters in the Lantean City, ignoring the human calling after him.

He knew what the petal meant, of course, every youngster was warned about it before being introduced to their first Hive, but he had never considered the possibility that the legends could be true, had always believed them to be no more than a subtle threat by the elders for them to set priorities on whom to pay adequate attention to. Obviously, he had broken that rule and the game had just decided to exclude him, so he wouldn’t be able to play for much longer.

He assumed it would only take months, maybe mere weeks for him to lose, depending on how quickly the disease developed. It wasn’t as if he could make a reasonably accurate, educated guess, the stories weren’t exactly elaborating on the definite progression and time limit, after all.

Once he had locked himself into the privacy of his rooms, shutting down the mechanisms to open the sliding door, he mourned the fact that in his haste to escape any scrutiny he had forgotten to take the cup of tea with him that Sheppard had brought. The thought had him instantly falling into another fit of coughing, his throat burning as he glared at a new petal, as pure as the one before it.

He was able to hide for five whole days, the Colonel stopping by several times to leave food and tea in the hallway and to talk to him in an attempt to get him to come out before he threatened to have McKay override the controls of his door. Every single visit of the man had him yet again coughing up a white petal, so he was grateful for the drinks soothing his sore throat and washing away the bitter taste left in his mouth once he started swallowing down the petals trying to choke him to avoid looking at them, but he soon realized that avoiding Sheppard wasn’t making it any easier, though that didn’t mean he didn’t try to do just that, reducing their contact and time together to the bare minimum.

Given a choice, he’d also stay as far away from the human as possible whenever they had to be in the same room. He didn’t intend to chance an inadvertent reveal of his dirty little secret. As such, he ended up distancing himself as much as possible, using whatever was currently available as a barrier between them and exploiting any opportunity that presented itself to flee the man’s company, determinedly ignoring what might have been hurt looks darted his way if the both of them were anyone else than who they were.


	4. He loves you, he loves you lots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have Kenny enter the stage, a confrontation and a reveal. Only of having Hanahaki, not for whom he has it, of course, because that would be too easy.
> 
> Also, please be warned about a brief mention of an eating disorder in the penultimate paragraph of this chapter.

It all came to a head on an otherwise rather dull and boring day for which he was eternally grateful because he didn’t think he could have dealt with any more stress right then. Besides the cough that was growing in intensity and resulting in more and more petals hastily stuffed into his coat pockets to avoid detection, he had developed a mild fever that was clouding his mind to a disconcerting degree and to which he therefore attributed the weakness of his mental defenses.

Wraith were a telepathic race first and foremost, rarely relying on verbal communication among each other when not particularly emotional, and considering the number of Queens with impressive abilities he had had to deal with in his time, he had been able to hone his skills of shielding himself. As such, there really was no other excuse why his second-in-command had found out about his state of health as quickly and easily as he did. Although he trusted the younger Wraith who would be his successor in case of his demise, he had not planned to expose his condition so soon, instead hoping to be able to arrange a smooth transition on the ground of his prolonged stay in the Lantean City.

As Commander and due to the consequential strong bond to each of his people, he was attuned to them, but in that moment he hated it almost as much as when he had first been thrown back into this chaos after the escape from the imprisonment by the Genii. He had needed some time to accustom himself to it all once more and get used to the familiar ever-present presence of his kin in his mind after the long silence that the experience had meant for him, shut off from the world and the light of the stars.

Now, the sudden turmoil he was sensing from his kin, ensuing from the confrontation with his right-hand man that had been projected all across the city and into orbit to his Hive, lead to the pressure between his temples building and had him leaning against a wall with his head tipped back and fighting wave after wave of nausea. Of course, it didn’t take his fellow Wraith long to storm into the room they were all rather inconveniently gathered in at that time, for a long second just staring at him while he was ineffectively trying to hide another sudden coughing fit behind his hands as if to prove him right.

Even if he had been able to speak, there was absolutely nothing he could have possibly said to his lieutenant to ease the fear he could subtly sense underneath all of his anger, so he didn’t waste any energy to attempt to reassure him with his thoughts either, just keeping up their steady connection. This was a situation neither of them could control or change and it wouldn’t help to suggest otherwise, to tell him they would find a solution if there existed none.

His deputy turned away from him to fix his blazing eyes on Sheppard, because of course he would suspect him first. “Do you moron have any idea what you have done to him? How in all the galaxies could you justify such cruelty?” Hissing aggressively, he was on the human in seconds. Muscle memory led him to raise his hand, but instead of with a palm flat on the man’s chest it merely ended with a fist bunching up the fabric of his shirt collar. This slow, but gradual improvement was likely the only reason his companion didn’t have any weapons trained on him yet.

The Colonel slowly raised his hands in defense. “Whoa, I didn’t do anything.” It probably said a lot about him and their relationship that his first instinct was no longer to aim a gun at the agitated Wraith’s head and that he, contrary to his habit of standing his ground, stepped back to de-escalate, surrendering. “The therapy also worked perfectly on Todd, according to Keller and her team.”

For all his efforts, a growl was the only answer he got and alarmed he saw from the corner of his eyes the Satedan reach for his gun. The former runner was already being extraordinarily patient, having waited so long to take action, but knowing his temper and noticing the tense lines around his eyes, he realized the man was just short of firing a shot at his second-in-command.

Before the other one could continue to provoke the irritated warrior, he pulled himself up, grabbing a hold of his right-hand and shoving him back into the wall to step in between them, choking down a petal that had been forcing its way up his throat. “Calm down this instant! There is no way he could have possibly known about it. Think about it! He is not to blame, he is not at fault,” he snarled through gritted teeth.

“But I was right, was I not? It’s him.” The bitter disappointment in the younger Wraith’s voice hit him almost as hard as the pity he saw in his eyes, harshly reflected back to him. “You were always too interested in the humans and too fond of this one. You old fool, you just had to form an attachment to him.”

He hastily threw a look over his shoulder to make sure no human had caught the hissed accusation, before he directed a withering glance at his fellow Wraith and bared his teeth. “Be quiet, will you! Or leave now.” Had it been anyone else, he would have silenced them more permanently without a second thought, but this was his lieutenant and they knew one another long enough to have him appreciate his opinion, at least usually. However, just because he was right, didn’t mean he liked it or had to put up with it this time, listening to truths he’d rather ignore for as long as possible. “They have absolutely no idea what is happening and that should remain so.” 

Naturally, Sheppard used that moment to speak up. “Now, will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?” he demanded, pale green eyes narrowed and standing with his hands on his hips. His posture practically screamed that this time he would not give up and back down. “The two of you seem to know a lot more than you’re admitting.”

Just like before, as all focus turned to him, he found himself yet again trapped in a coughing attack, even though he bit his tongue to keep it in and suppressed the shudder wracking his body. Already exhausted from the previous discussion and the pounding of his head and resignedly realizing that his secret would have to be revealed, after all, far too soon for his liking and to a far larger extent than he had been prepared for, he wordlessly pulled a fistful of petals from his pockets, still spitting more into his free hand.

The ones he held out to show them were a withered copy of the ones falling from his lips, most of them still a pure white, but some already slightly tinted with a pink hue. Their tone would further progress to darker shades while he got worse. It was said that they turned red, so the blood from the wounds caused by the thorns ripping apart his heart and lungs wouldn’t be noticed and it could still remain a beautiful if nevertheless morbid picture.

Stilling himself and quieting his sounds, he was met with confused silence until McKay broke it, curiously concerned, “Okay, so the therapy was not supposed to turn you into a vegan with binge-purge disorder. Mind explaining what this means?”

“He is in love and it’s killing him,” his deputy bit out abruptly, his stoic expression belying the storm of emotions hiding underneath the impassive facade he had created for himself once more, “literally.”


	5. In full bloom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some private interaction between Todd and Kenny as well as them explaining Hanahaki to the humans.
> 
> Also, be prepared to be amazed at how I managed to turn a whole species into demiromantics, if not aromantics (but potentially asexuals, depending on the interpretation of a certain parahraph) with my approach to Hanahaki here. Sorry, not sorry.

“Tell them. Tell him! You will definitely die if you don’t confess.” His right-hand had been going on and on about him admitting his feelings since he had pretty much dragged him out of the room and to his own quarters, leaving behind a group of perplexed humans staring speechlessly after them. He had wanted at least some privacy for the discussion that had to inevitably follow, though he had not yet managed to bring up the subject of what someone else might call a lackadaisical attempt to stir up a mutiny with the way his second-in-command had clearly gone against his wishes and orders to remain quiet, if only to do what he considered to be in his best interest.

It was his own fault, really, as he had always favored the ones with a rebellious streak, those few with a disposition to move on from their old ways and change a society that was destined to perish in case it didn’t adapt. Without fail, he had gained their loyalty and respect one way or another, but in the end they all were strong characters with their own heads.

Thus, he also had to admit he was not particularly surprised by the younger Wraith’s endurance to fight him on this and the persistence to stay on topic, but he had always been more patient and would not lose this argument. “I will die either way, but much sooner if he is repulsed by me and my feelings. You know that any negative sentiment will fuel the sickness more than our now relatively neutral relationship ever could.” His eyes narrowed, but he forced down the smile threatening to show itself as he wondered speculatively, “I didn’t think you wanted the position of leader so badly.”

Except for an icy glance aimed his way and a frustrated huff, the other barely acknowledged his teasing and did not dignify it with an answer. “This is not any better. This is self-destruction. Besides, even if he is not romantically inclined towards you at this point in time, maybe he won’t straightforwardly dismiss the possibility of returning your feelings in the future.”

The sudden self-deprecating laugh came unbidden, loud and hollow. “I didn’t realize you had so much confidence in the humans.” And neither could he help but feel a stab of guilt at the faintest hint of hope in his deputy’s voice, born out of despair, disguised under the much more noticable doubt.

“I don’t,” then after a moment’s hesitation, “but I refuse to believe you fell easily. You must have had a good reason, even though I can’t see it, so maybe a little faith is not too inappropriate.” His lips pressed together as if the concession pained him, scepsis remaining clear on his mind. “Until now, you’ve never disappointed me, my trust in you and your decisions and actions always placed well in the end.”

The bittersweet taste of petals still fresh on his tongue, he could only chuckle dryly. “Well, this time it’s quite likely he would rather turn me down and throw us out than tolerate such trouble. He certainly will deny me courting him properly.” Abruptly, his musings took a sharp turn as his treacherous mind imagined it without waiting for permission. “Come to think of it, I wouldn’t even know how to do so on human terms.”

“Oh, would you stop! Stop accepting this as your fate.” He was almost relieved when the anger came back with a vengeance, far easier to deal with, much easier to ignore. His lieutenant breathed in forcefully, then breathed out just as harshly. “You know, it might actually be for the best if he simply brushed you off. Then you could start forgetting about him and return to yourself.”

He didn’t deign to answer to that, just tiredly sent an affectionate wave in his companion’s direction when he turned on his heel and stomped away. As complicated as it was for one of their own to fall in love, as impossible was it to fall out of it again. It was no conscious choice he could try to turn into reality, nor something he would achieve through wishing and hoping.

But what he could do was at least explain the situation he had found himself in to the ever-curious humans, on his own terms and without interference from his fellows. That didn’t mean, however, he could do so without their support, which he needed now more than ever. After all, while he had faced certain death many a time already over his long life, that had usually been in battle. He wasn’t quite sure if he would still be able to find the strength within to hold himself together in front of the Lanteans during what he was sure would become one of the most torturous times of his existence yet.

This being the case, once he had rested to the best of his abilities, given several pink and even a few red tainted petals as his by then near constant companions, and pulled himself together again enough to face McKay’s questioning, Teyla’s intense gaze and Ronon’s disregard, let alone Sheppard’s company, he formally asked for his second-in-command’s presence at the meeting he had requested, or rather agreed to at Woolsey’s insistence on what was quite likely the Colonel’s behalf. He breathed a sigh of relief when a short while later, as he waited in the conference room for the Lanteans to join him, the other Wraith in question allowed for a reassuring breeze to roll over him, tempering the last of his frazzled nerves, having clearly regained his own composure as effectively as possible.

“This malady is an autoimmune disease, a genetic fail-safe of sorts, befalling those suffering from one-sided love,” his right-hand started the moment everyone had found their usual seats to get it over with. He was met with a surprised silence, disbelieving stares wandering back and forth between them as if wondering whether he was joking, waiting for one of them to start laughing.

Right then and there, he was feeling almost as sorry for them as he did for himself, so he decided to take pity on the humans gathered in front of him for information only he and his younger companion could give them at the time being. “You see, we don’t ’fall in love’ as easily as you oftentimes tend to do due to several differences in our brain, to explain it simply. In the unlikely case that we do like someone to the extent of being romantically attracted to them, the development of this attraction would still have been a gradual process without any interfering desires because of the lack of any similar responsible hormones.”

“Of course, given how rare it is, actual love is therefore considered a weakness,” his deputy scoffed, a sneer plastered on his face at the archaic perspective of their kin. He might not be overly enthusiastic in light of the situation, but he had long since cut himself off from many traditional views.

“You have got to be kidding,” McKay burst out appalled. “I mean, I know I’m probably the last person to get to have any say in such a matter, given how absolutely terrible I am with emotions, but seriously? That’s just awful.”

Sheppard silenced the scientist quickly enough with a glare, but his own apprehension was visible in every line of his scowling face. His fingers thrummed a steady rhythm on the tabletop while he gathered his thoughts. “Sooo~, this already seemed rather serious and I hate to have to ask, but how long do you have before - you know?”

When he hesitated to answer, his lieutenant spoke up again: “Unfortunately that’s unpredictable because the progression of the sickness depends on the strength of the victim’s feelings.” At those words, he felt more than just one Lantean steal a glance at him. “It has entered its final stage when the patient is choking on entire flowers.”

Sheppard closed his eyes then, his brow furrowed, most probably dismayed with how many petals he had witnessed the day before. He appeared to not be the only one, which admittedly surprised him, as any outright acceptance of him and his kin managed to do after years of indifference on the best of days and fear, hate or disgust on the worst. 

“Well, is there some cure for this ailment?” McKay unceremoniously demanded to know. “Simply being able to force yourself to fall out of love is obviously rather unlikely by now, considering the incentive already provided.”

“Oh no, don’t be ridiculous. The pressure is very helpful,” his second-in-command drawled, an intense sarcasm to his words that was rare for him to use, before quickly turning serious again. “There are basically four possible outcomes to this infection and you will notice that each one is aimed at eradicating the ’weakness’.”

“Evidently, I will die when my feelings are truly unrequited. As it is, this is the scenario I’m preparing for.” He couldn’t help the wry grin in the Satedan’s direction at his next words: “It’s a slow and presumably painful death unless I’m straightforwardly rejected by the object of my affections”, nor did he stop the instinctive mental slap towards his right-hand, who was looking pointedly at Sheppard, even though the Colonel’s entire focus seemed to be on himself, his field of vision narrowed by the hands massaging his temples, “in which case it’ll happen fast, though equally as painful since I’d be immediately consumed by the flowers.”

“Okay, that sounds utterly fantastic, but how about we just forget this and you continue with the other outcomes, yes?” Sheppard finally looked up from where he had been burning holes into the tabletop with his glare, an almost horrified expression on his otherwise handsome face, begging, “Please tell me they’re more promising.”

He inclined his head. “Well, to prove and ensure that nothing will stand in the way of my service to my people and I am not wasting energy on unreturned affections, I might subject myself to a special treatment of the infection.” However, even just the thought left a bad taste in his mouth.

Meanwhile, Sheppard instantly became encouraged again at that, so eager and certain there was a solution just waiting to be discovered. “And how exactly would that work? It’s got nothing to do with Iratus bugs, right?” He pinched his nose at the thought, ever-expressive eyes all but pleading with them to deny it.

He grimaced slightly. “Not this time, no. It’s done either through the removal of all the past memories of my then former beloved, leading to the disappearance of any current romantic feelings and thus the decay of the flowers, or through the direct removal of the flowers from brain, heart and lungs, leading to the disappearance of the ability to ever feel something again in the future.”

“The latter option is usually preferred among our kin, seeing how it wouldn’t do to forget a Hivemate or risk a set-back because of continued contact, but the Commander is not particularly willing to consider that either,” his deputy added, leaving little room for doubt as to what he thought of his decision.

He quickly continued, “Last but not least, there is always the possibility that the feeling is actually mutual, the illness not caused by unreturned affections, but rather unconfessed or even repressed if existent emotional attraction, and that who I am interested in is able to persuade me of reciprocating my feelings, thus essentially spontaneously curing me of the disease without any side effects, though I strongly disbelieve that to be the case here.” He hoped his lieutenant’s once more at the Colonel directed deliberate stare would go unnoticed, the humans remaining oblivious to their psychic scuffle.

When their lecture came to an end, he felt near high, a sense of euphoria flowing through his veins that he knew was unreasonable, but was apparently unable to get under control. He had to stop himself then from disclosing his one singular weakness and recklessly divulging the secret of who the person of his interest was.

Still, it was in any case far better than what he had to endure that night as it could have been nothing but a hallucination, his very first chosen Queen clawing his chest open and ripping out his heart, waking him from his fever dreams with a strangled cry torn from his throat followed closely by a whole blossoming flower, red speckles on its rosy petals. While he stared at the offending object on his pillow, he swore he could feel thorn after thorn injure his raw throat and thus would not close his eyes again for fear of suffocating on his own blood in his sleep but instead burned the beautifully morbid picture into his mind.


	6. Happiness held is a seed, happiness shared is a flower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have the humans holding an emergency meeting and Shep being gifted with an epiphany at last, aided a little more by Kenny behind the scenes.

“For all I know, what we’re dealing with here is similar to a tumor or even a parasite,” Keller started off the impromptu emergency meeting of Atlantis’ human leadership, once she had gotten the chance to take a look at her newest patient’s latest test results. “It might be surgically removable, but from what I can see that’d be one hell of an OP, especially counting his still working healing abilities in, which might potentially get in the way despite anesthesia - not that I have any idea of how to effectively sedate, but not overdose him. The pain medication isn't working either, due to his metabolism.” She was upset at not being able to help properly the way she wanted and had become quite fond of Todd over time, if she was being honest with herself.

“I could stun him repeatedly,” Ronon spoke up, startling everyone gathered. There would always be a certain tension between him and the Wraith, even with all the successes they had already achieved and would continue to achieve, but at least this particular one had slowly earned his grudging respect during the last year, if not his trust as of yet. He huffed, “Why are you all looking at me like that? Not that I’m happy about any of this, but even I think death is a pretty harsh punishment for being in love and if this means getting that thing out of him, I’m all for it.” He deliberately did not think of his late fiancee and how having too big a heart got her killed, as she refused to leave Sateda during the Wraith attack because she was needed in the hospital.

“Huh, perhaps that would work, but I’d be loath to chance it if there was any other way, because this is a precarious situation on our hands, right now, guys. I’d really like to avoid having to explain to Todd’s Hive that he died on my operating table and I have his blood on my hands,” Keller insisted. “I mean, it seems like not only is there a flower blooming around and within his heart, which will probably soon cause a failure of the weakened organ either way, but already some in both lungs, as well. If they proceed to sprout, the roots will eventually grow into his respiratory system and his lungs will get filled with the flowers, so that he won’t be able to draw a single breath.”

Tired of listening to the doctor’s description, John dejectedly interrupted, “It doesn’t matter. He is still refusing surgery, he prefers to - he prefers to die rather than lose the ability to feel something. And according to Kenny, not even a Queen would be powerful enough to remove the memories of his love if he’s not cooperating, so Teyla might not be able to do it, either.”

“But is his permission really necessary for the OP? Does his opinion on this even matter all that much? I mean, objectively we have done much worse things to Wraith without their consent. Surely he can’t hold a grudge against us for too long if we save his life. It’s the logical choice, after all.” Rodney gesticulated wildly during his urgent rant and pointedly ignored the shocked faces around him.

Woolsey, taken aback, adjusted the glasses on his nose, covertly rubbing his temples before firmly deciding, “I cannot with a clear conscience approve of something like that, especially not after the course the last year has taken us.”

“Neither could I. This is not something trivial to be decided over his head. Even the withdrawal from the Wraith enzyme doesn’t compare, where we all agree that the patient is better off after it. Here we are speaking of feelings, emotions and memories, something that affects how we perceive the universe and everyone and everything around us, whether we acknowledge it or not. To rob him of this - we cannot even begin to imagine what that would do to him.” Teyla frowned, equally distraught at the suggestion, and pressed her lips into a thin line.

John was aware that he sounded unreasonably, ridiculously irritated and on behalf of someone who acted almost indifferent to his own situation at that, but he couldn’t help himself. “So what, we just accept that he’s gonna die? He has already given up, we can’t do the same! Hell, at the beginning of this whole expedition, I could barely believe Wraith were able to feel anything at all and now he is supposed to die because he loves too much? That’s just not right, damnit!” His voice broke on the last words while he choked on righteous anger.

Keller grimaced, hating that she had to be the one to bring even more bad news: “Well, on basis of the comparison from today’s results and yesterday’s, my prognosis would be that he’s got a week at longest, seeing how rapidly his condition is worsening, so we have to decide on a course of action, and fast.”

While the discussion around him continued, Todd found himself suddenly rooted to the ground on his way back from the infirmary to his rooms, unable to take even one step as the air was squeezed from his lungs. He gasped for breath, already sweating from the exertion of only this short walk with pain inhibiting his every thought, while just half an hour ago he had adamantly refused to remain in the medical bay when there was nothing that could really be done for him.

He stumbled, then leaned against the nearest wall for balance, the sharp and cool material a contrast to Atlantis’ gentle hum even through the thick fabric of his clothing, before he clumsily slid it down when the weight pressing on him became too much. While he was not keen on being subjected to any more pitying glances sent his way when the humans thought he didn't notice and worried conversations in hushed tones behind his back, he now faintly wished he had stayed in the infirmary.

All day he had been feeling raw, as if thorned tendrils had grown around him, digging deep into his skin, slicing him open and baring him to the world, the tingling in his extremities having long since turned into a burning, stinging pain that made everything torturous, movement as well as simple contact. He was aching for some relief and was finally granted unconsciousness where he sat, stopping the trail of several red flowers.

When he awoke, it was to none other than Ronon Dex keeping vigil at his sickbed. That was as good a sign as any that he must have been looking as bad as he was feeling and that it was almost painfully obvious to nearly everybody. It also said a lot about the condition the Colonel was in when the Satedan sent him on his way to Sheppard with nary a word and only the slightest of grimaces once he had managed to slip out of the doctors’ clutches again through intimidation and relying on stealth where, or rather on whom, that wouldn’t work.

The man expected him on the balcony closest to the infirmary, but even so, Todd was short of breath, his heartbeat as fast as though he had just fought a battle when he arrived. Then he saw the human illuminated by the two visible moons and the countless stars in the otherwise dark sky, however, and felt more like he was just about to go into a war.

The military leader did not look afraid, not quite that, never of him, but there was a cautiousness to his smile, a wariness in his eyes that were so unfamiliar to him after all this time, Todd might have thought he was hallucinating, if only his mind could conjure an image of the man even half as realistic as what he saw in front him at that moment. He had had enough time to practice while he had been secluding himself at the beginning, but his fantasies never even came close to the truth.

“It’s me, isn’t it?” Sheppard suddenly tore him out of his musings and barely waited for his weak nod, while he was spitting out one, two, three half-formed flowers into his hands, before he laughed mirthlessly, “All of it, it weren’t exactly the most subtle hints Kenny gave, once I got my head outta my butt.”

He couldn’t help but to wonder briefly how long he had actually been unconscious for that to happen, before his gut clenched painfully at the realization that the man sounded like he would have wanted to be told, that he sounded wounded he had not come to him and confessed. Now, he hadn’t actually believed the Colonel to be completely unaffected by his death, but this hurt just as much, if not more, only in another way. Of course, it was fate’s twisted sense of humor to make the human like him, just not enough and not like he needed or wished for. The petals crumbled in his fists, and he felt drying blood smearing his fingers.

He purposely directed his thought away from his own misery and instead to the future of the galaxy. “Now you might understand that if I chose to have my memories of you removed, I would be just as unwilling as any other Wraith to work with you”, with an effort he raised his voice when the human tried to interrupt him, “and I will not endanger our mission, not when the survival of so many of my people depends on our success and I am the one carrying the responsibility for it.”

The man’s expression rapidly morphed from stunned disbelief to a determined glare in the blink of an eye. “And if it weren’t the memories you had removed, but the flowers?” Sheppard demanded, intentionally not mentioning the subsequently lost feelings.

“You would agree, wouldn’t you, that I am not just like any other Wraith”, Todd began and graciously ignored the snort and muttered “duh” here, “and I do believe that my feelings on certain matters are a vital part of that, be it because of the years of experience that I have on many of my people, seeing how I am one of only few survivors of the old generation, or something else entirely.” He inhaled cold, humid air, then attempted to clear his throat, but it did not relieve the high-pitched wheezing grating on his ears and nerves. “Either way, though I always try to do what is objectively best for me and my people, my feelings play an as critical role in my decision making in general as my memories of you specifically do in this situation of our relationship and so they are just as essential and not something that I will risk giving up. As such,” he concluded, “you will notice that treatment of the disease is hardly an option worthy of more consideration.”


	7. UnFlowery Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people, sorry for the late update. I haven't been feeling well the past week (still ain't feeling too well right now, if I'm being honest) and couldn't find the energy to update until today.
> 
> Have some actual communication between Todd and Shep, sprinkled with a little bit of fluff and a tad hurt/comfort.

Even though Sheppard had certainly needed to hear what he had to say, devastated that he was indirectly a part of the cause for his illness and bewildered at his refusal of treatment, Todd was ashamed to admit that his lengthy speech had left him close to hyperventilating after his short journey. Of course, the human had been able to tell and then escorted him back to the infirmary himself, adamant that he at least let them ease the pain somehow, supporting his weight for half the way.

When his rapid breathing had slowed to its still unnatural but as of late normal pace, and he had gotten rid of the newest batch of half-formed flowers, he then tried to get the reasoning for his silence regarding the man’s involvement in his state of health across: “Tell me honestly, do you genuinely think you could love me?”

The glower instantly directed at him after that question softened a bit when Sheppard opened his mouth to answer but no sound would come out. He cleared his throat then with a frown on his face while he actually thought about what to tell him. “I don’t know.”

He felt a brief rush of unfounded relief at the Colonel’s words which, albeit obviously no reciprocating of his feelings, weren’t a rejection either. Closing his eyes for a moment, he managed to compose himself once again. “Necessary would be romantic feelings and while primarily based on our subjective perception triggering the onset, not the true reality, the disease cannot be tricked, although I am unsure of how exactly that works. I believe our psychic abilities might be the cause for that, since we are able to sense the basic emotions directed at us, in combination with the pheromones of the person of our interest.” He trailed off, temporarily getting lost in his memories of his countless attempts at decoding the human in front of him, before he shook himself out of it. “So apart from the fact that I will certainly not force you - or let you be forced - into feeling anything other than what you are comfortable feeling, it most likely wouldn’t even work to try to persuade yourself to fake any amorous sentiment towards me,” he finished with a weak smile, conscious of the fact that this man loved to do the impossible and prove everyone wrong.

The long tense silence that had settled with his explanation ended when Sheppard sighed, his hands still twisting around each other, most likely to keep from punching the wall or doing something equally unhelpful. The human hunched his shoulders instead and buried his fists in the pockets of his pants like he wanted to bury his regrets, an apology and a promise to return and advice to rest already on his lips as he turned around to leave him alone for the night.

Thinking that there wasn’t much for him to lose at this point, tasting petals on his tongue with increasing frequency, he stopped the Colonel before he could step out of reach and wondered, “Would you lay with me?” However, he sounded miserable even to his own ears and quickly corrected his earlier assessment. He might very well lose the man’s respect, should he continue like this.

He was tempted to take his musings back as Sheppard warily glanced at the deliberately careful grip he had on his arm. Todd also noticed with a detached fascination that his fingernails had taken on a bluish color, before he forced himself to at least pull his hand away from the human’s enticingly warm skin. But then came the cautious inquiry: “Isn’t it worse when I stay?”

He let out a long breath, pleasantly surprised when that didn’t end with a coughing fit for once. “It does hurt more, but in a good way. It makes me feel less numb.” When silence was his only answer, he quietly added, “I truly appreciate your concern, but if it won’t make you too uncomfortable, I would prefer to have you by my side regardless of any potential risk, for it is worth suffering that pain.”

Not quite reassured, but finally convinced, the Colonel shooed him over to one side and squashed onto the other side of the small bed, facing him. For a while they just gazed at each other. Todd greedily breathed in the man’s scent, swallowing down a flower before it had any chance, and basked in his warmth, enjoying the physical proximity, while he couldn’t have the psychological closeness. Sheppard darted worried looks from dilated pupils that no longer responded normally to light to blue lips and back while he nervously tapped the fingers of one hand against the sheets until he entwined them with his own.

“Why did you fall in love with me?” The man eventually asked the big question, the one Todd wanted an answer to, as well. It did not surprise him that out of everyone it was this human, but this nevertheless didn’t explain the timing or for what reason it happened at all.

“I don’t know, really, what triggered it. And it’s not like I ever felt this way before, but loving you makes me feel alive in such a manner as I haven’t been feeling in a long time,” he admitted, but refused to acknowledge the pain in his chest. “I cannot even compare it to anything that would come close. I’ve lived thousands of years and yet never had the honor of enjoying the sensations I am experiencing when I see you, feel you near or think of you.” 

“Your friend didn’t make it seem like such a great privilege,” Sheppard grumbled under his breath. Todd almost wouldn’t have heard it, with his blood rushing through his veins and his heartbeat pounding in his ears, but he was so attuned to the Colonel’s voice, he couldn’t have possibly missed it.

“Of course he doesn’t share the sentiment, I did not expect him to”, he chuckled unconcernedly. “If he were in my situation, however, he might just as well decide that this is worth it. I wouldn’t want to miss it in any case, now that I’ve got to have it.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” the human whispered into the shared space between them, before he gently but resolutely stopped him from continuing.

“Hush, I believe I already said that you are hardly responsible for this chaos, much less for you being yourself and least of all for my emotions, but I will repeat it as often as I have to for you to believe me.” The ‘or as long as he’d live’ remained unspoken. “I have just recently learned the hard way that one cannot control what they feel, so neither could another do this and thus you are perfectly innocent of anything happening to me.”

The man huffed frustratedly, insisting, “But I don’t want you to die because of me - because of me not doing something.”

“And I never wanted to put this pressure on your shoulders, so if one of us is justified to apologize, it should be me,” he responded mildly.

“I’m not worth it,” Sheppard growled suddenly, but with no less conviction for it, and it hurt him to hear that deep in his chest where even the flowers couldn’t reach.

“I doubt I have to tell you how vastly different my opinion on this matter is. To be able to love at all is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, a feeling so unique I could never grasp it with words. To be allowed to love you makes it even better.” He pressed his forehead against the human’s, willing to try to forcibly push this thought into the man’s thick skull. “Either way, these are my feelings and they are a part of me now. If nothing else, please accept I’m not willing to sacrifice that part of myself. I rather like it, you know.”

“So you won’t consider getting the surgery for me, will you?” the Colonel asked wearily, exhausted now that the adrenaline from his realization earlier that evening was slowly fading away.

“I would do most anything for you,” he conceded, mentally acknowledging past trades and favours and gifts way before their alliance was anywhere near official. “But I won’t do that. This is the choice I have made and not something you should concern yourself with. No reason to feel pity for me or guilty on my behalf.”

Sheppard darted a fierce, withering scowl at him. “But I do! Because I’m obviously unable to stop all of this from happening! I don’t - I’m not sure what I feel, never mind whether it equals what you feel to some extent. I mean, I’ve never thought about you like that let alone about a potential us that way before.”

He tightened his grasp on the human’s hand and if he had been able to, he would have taken all the pain the man was in and endured it himself to spare him that. “I’m okay with this, don’t worry no more. Rest now; your people need you well, as do mine.”

“Just,” the Colonel sighed, acquiescing at last, “give me some time to wrap my head around this, okay?! You’ve gotta stay around long enough for me to give you a decent answer. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and find that you're gone and that I -”

“You know I cannot promise I’ll still be here,” he softly interrupted. “Such is life. But for you I’ll willingly stay as long as possible, as long as you have me.”


	8. Every flower must grow through dirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some interaction between Shep and Kenny and a reality check for the former, as well as Shep and Todd's happy end (apart from the epilogue).
> 
> I wish y'all and your loved ones a very merry christmas despite the circumstances.

When John woke up the next morning a few hours later to the low rattling sound of Todd’s breathing and a frankly ridiculous amount of bright red fully formed flowers between them, he decided that as long as the Wraith next to him was still hanging on, struggling as he might be, he’d do anything in his power to keep him alive. As such, he slowly wriggled out of the embrace he’d found himself in and then quietly sneaked out of Todd’s private room in search of Keller.

Once he’d gotten a hold of her and after she’d told him she still had no idea how to heal Todd in any other way than the ones the Wraith had already refused, he managed to at least get the green light for Todd to receive a ration of their artificial nourishment, or ArtFood as John preferred to call it because of its blueish purple sheen, in hopes of supporting the Wraith’s inherent healing abilities and if not curing, maybe slowing the disease so that they would gain a little more time. Needless to say, it failed.

While one of the nurses administered the intravenous infusion, he was right there with them, aiming for a reassuring, hopeful smile directed at Todd. Only about a minute later the Wraith suddenly had a seizure. His body went rigid, dilated pupils staring up at the ceiling, and he was forcing out some garbled sounds through dry chapped lips.

Once John came out of his shock and realized that Todd had to be biting his tongue, he promptly brushed away the nurse’s orders to stay away and was about to reach for the Wraith’s twitching hand to at least keep him from injuring the sensitive feeding organ there with his sharp claws, when Todd abruptly clasped his fingers in an almost painful grip. Through it all, and it couldn’t have been more than five minutes, he never complained but simply held on just as tightly.

Even after it was over and the nurse kept mumbling about an overstimulation of the immune system or some other sort of allergic reaction, scribbling something in the Wraith’s file to show Keller, John remained tense, his pulse racing as Todd’s heart rate slowed to a nearly alarming degree. Gently dabbing some sweat from the Wraith’s brow and steadfastly ignoring the change in his skin color from deathly pale to a flushed reddish tone, he murmured softly, “Are you alright?”

Todd was slow to react, but he greedily swallowed down big gulps of water offered to him while both of them steadfastly ignored how the rest turned red in the glass. Then he grit out through clenched teeth,“I need to ask you for a favor - I want you to take care of something for me.” The Wraith was looking inordinately pleased when John tightened the grip on his hand in response. “I would prefer not to have any flowers at my funeral. I have certainly had my fill of them for more than one lifetime.”

As a reward for his efforts, he got a chuckle that sounded suspiciously like a choked sob, although John would naturally deny that if questioned.

He hadn’t mentioned it to anyone as of yet, but his father had brought his mother flowers every week during their marriage for as long as he could remember and later placed them by her grave every year on her death’s anniversary, the only way he knew how to express his love. The flowers Todd was choking on now, resembled them very much in appearance.

Fortunately for his dignity, he didn’t have to hold on to his composure for much longer, because Todd’s world faded to black soon afterwards, his breathing evening out somewhat. Feeling utterly helpless, he then settled into the visitor’s chair next to the bed to watch over the Wraith’s rest.

John wasn’t the least bit surprised when Todd’s deputy appeared just shortly thereafter, presumably alerted to his Commander’s fit by the Hive bond. Resigned at the perpetual blank look sent his way out of that direction, which he thought was hardly better than outright disdain, he muttered to himself, “Wow, you really don’t like me, huh?”

There was an unreadable expression on the Wraith’s face, before he tilted his head and allowed, “I think you are tolerable.”

Secretly relieved at those words, John shot him a wry smile, “High compliments coming from you.”

“Well, I don’t welcome this present situation, but the Commander has made it perfectly clear that the circumstances leading up to it are not exactly your fault alone,” Todd’s second-in-command finally settled on. “More than that, however, I simply don’t understand this and I don’t particularly like not understanding something. Apart from my Queen Mother’s feelings for me and my feelings for her, I have never felt love. I don’t even think you could call love what is between me and the Commander, and he has not only been my mentor in the past but also my companion for many years since. Respect and trust I certainly feel, but not love.”

An uncomfortable silence settled after this admission, as John in turn had difficulty wrapping his head around that. While it was definitely one of the most complicated relationships he had ever had, familial or otherwise, his father had loved him and he had loved his father. He had also loved Nancy at some point, although they couldn't quite make it work in the long run, or he would have never tried marriage. Heck, he loved Rodney, Ronon and Teyla like family.

He found it hard to imagine living without ever loving, whether platonically or romantically, even if the latter was rare among the Wraith as it was, according to Todd and Kenny. However, he realized, not with a start but slowly through every conversation and each moment in time, that it wasn’t too difficult to imagine himself living with Todd. It were brief glimpses that flashed through his mind then and again, none really clear or fully formed, but there nonetheless. So, yes, this notion was absolutely ridiculous and he had no clue whatsoever how a future together would actually look like, but that future was certainly possible.

And Todd - just the idea of comparing what strange bond connected them already at that point to any other of his many contacts from both Milky Way and Pegasus Galaxy seemed absurd. That endeavor was doomed to fail, because their shared rough past stood in stark contrast to every single reasonably healthy relationship he had ever had. And not only their up till now bumpy path was unique, but so was Todd himself. He did not just doubt he would ever meet someone like him again, he seriously doubted there even existed someone like him. This was his chance, though he wasn’t entirely convinced that the mere potential for something between them was enough in this situation, in Todd’s state.

“I have always known love was a disease, hitting too hard when you least expected it, leaving you crippled when there was no cure, but this?” Todd’s lieutenant quietly continued at last, shaking his head with a snarl. “I am unsure how to deal with this.”

“I’m sorry,” John offered, noticed that he really was doing a lot of apologizing lately and wondered what that said about him.

“Don’t be,” came the quick reply, and though he would have expected this by now from the old stubborn bastard by whose bedside he currently sat, he was deeply confused to hear it from the other Wraith. At his perplexed look, he chuckled somberly, “The Commander has always insisted on doing the impossible and while falling in love with a human might be high up on that list, it is not number one, I can assure you, so there is nothing you could do to change that part of him.”

“I could have been more of a scumbag to him, then this would have never happened,” John mused only half jokingly.

His weak grin faded soon enough. “You mean similarly to how you acted at the start?”

He frowned, ready to defend himself, but then hesitated and took a moment to actually think back to the beginnings of their shared history, how many times he himself had accused Todd of betrayal without proof, had withheld information just as often, had denied him support but demanded help in turn, and grimaced. “Well, damn.” He was embarrassed and ashamed to find he had successfully ignored this for the last almost two years, failed to acknowledge it out loud and apologize at some point, until now. “I truly didn’t make a good impression then.”

“And yet here we are,” Todd’s right-hand answered dryly, tilting his head in recognition of his confession.

He stayed around for a little while longer, helped to throw away a couple of pink dotted petals that had managed to spread around the room and when he disappeared again around noon, Todd regained consciousness only minutes later, leaving John to contemplate the disconcerting chances of the other Wraith deliberately giving them time alone.

“I apologize for falling asleep on you,” Todd rasped out once he had reorientated himself and set eyes on him.

It was John’s turn to reassure, “Don’t be, you need all the rest you can get.”

However, the Wraith shook his head. “It becomes harder to stay awake. This disease is not just stealing my breath, it drains me of any strength I have still left, as well,” he said so matter of factly, so convinced of his imminent demise, John was tempted to check for a pulse.

It was depressing to see such a proud warrior, a wise leader and genius scientist in a state like that. Todd was thousands of years old and he simply couldn’t get his head around the physically and psychologically strong Wraith being supposed to be felled by something like love.

“I have been living on borrowed time already, time you gifted me with,” Todd went on like he had read his mind and cleared his throat.

“Well, you know, if I thought it would be a good idea after what happened with the ArtFood, I’d say you could borrow some more.” And he would have meant it, too.

That evening, they once more fell asleep together. Curled up, they lay in the little bed, Sheppard half on top of him, careful not to crush him and make it any harder for him to breathe, but nevertheless a warm, solid weight against his side. The human’s head was pillowed on his shoulder, while he had wound an arm around his back, holding him close. His hand was trailing up and down the man’s arm from shoulder to wrist and back up again, allowed to touch at last, while the other hand was trying to erase the lines of concern on his forehead during the short rest the Colonel had permitted himself.

And then during the night, with their breath mingling, their heart rates synchronized. Honestly, he was a little bit surprised when he woke up the next day, still very much alive and, in fact, feeling better than he had the entire past week. Neither of them actually caught on to the fact, however, that he didn’t cough up a single petal the whole day, his breathing remaining comparatively slow, deep and even. Only after his next examination that afternoon and with pictures of his torso in front of them that were emptier of flowers than they had been for a long while, they noticed.

They didn’t speak about it. Not a single word was uttered, everyone anxious it was just a last surge of energy for the final goodbye. There were less petals and less blood, the coughing fits less frequently and less violently, but he still slept far more the next few days than he otherwise would have during a whole month. Regular check-ups assured them it was simply his body healing from the strain put on it, his strength continuing to fade fast and no one willing to risk a repeat of the ArtFood incident.

He thought that he may have just gotten his answer when Sheppard locked eyes with him over the latest picture declaring him healed and he could finally breathe easy after all that time, but he also knew that they still had a lot to talk about.


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it, this is the end, folks.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed it. If so, don't hesitate to leave kudos or, even better, a comment. I read them all and, though it may take some time, I also always reply, unless you don't want me to.
> 
> Please note that I am not a native speaker and would appreciate any constructive criticism, as well.
> 
> I wish everyone a happy new year. Let's hope it'll be better than the last one.

Now, he started his little tale with the words “would he bother to look back”. The thing is, he doesn’t. He doesn’t look back, because he has a future to look forward to, a future of peace for his kin, together with John Sheppard in his arms and the humans of Atlantis at his side.

When he has a sore throat these days, it comes from growling too much at Rodney McKay or Ronon Dex. When he is coughing, it is because some strange beverage he has been tempted to try is burning down his throat. When he is choking, flower petals are not the perpetrators, but rather whoever made him laugh while eating.

And if he still shifts more of his responsibilities to his second-in-command, it is because he wants a stable presence for his people to turn to, someone who does not need to divide his attention as much as he does since officially becoming a permanent member of the Colonel’s team, an ambassador, rather than desperately, urgently needing to prepare his successor while awaiting and fearing his own demise. He is, of course, still their Commander, he still regularly visits all of the Hives in his growing alliance, more often than not accompanied by Sheppard, to watch and learn, to help and teach, to care, but he is just as content to stay on Atlantis with the man next to him.

Ironically, with the success of the gene therapy and the now no longer existing problem of a potential food shortage for the Wraith, he even had to resolutely reject the one or other Queen’s proposition, wishing for him to be their companion. Well, his attempts had been gentle, almost kind, until such a time as one female tried to force him after a heated negotiation.

It was Sheppard who, having coincidentally witnessed it, then made it perfectly obvious that he had already been claimed, loudly declaring him his mate and subsequently visibly proving it. No other approached him thereafter with similar proposals. Suffice to say, his arousal at that scene, unintentionally broadcasted to any Wraith nearby and a firmly blushing Teyla ushering their teammates out of the door who had arrived after sensing the commotion, figured into that.

He is aware that his story of having caught the lover’s disease will join the many others that youngsters are told while growing up and that elders whisper about, believing they are alone and will remain undisturbed, but he hopes his won’t be a warning. No, he hopes his story of prevailing will help remind the Wraith that a bond is not necessarily a weakness exploitable from the outside, but can just as well be a mighty power from within against anyone daring to threaten them.

So, he lives. And he loves.

And he is loved.


End file.
